Well, how should I begin? There are so many emotions running through my mind, heart, body...all of the above right now. I honestly don't know how to put it into words and part of me doesn't want to because it will make it real, but the other part of me knows that I have to (for me) to help me sort it all out. The other side of that is by me writing it in a blog format, I'd like to think that I am able to raise awareness of an otherwise misunderstood and "not highly publicized" disease.
Many of you saw on my FB page today that I called my Neurologist for my MRI results. My Neurologist is out of the office until Friday, so I was going to have to wait until then to get my results. Well, I am the furthest thing from a patient person, so Friday was not going to cut it for me, so I called my primary care physician. He was able to obtain the results. In the meantime he was the furthest thing from happy with the Neurology office and provide me with the results; LOVE my PCP! (If you need a new one, he is accepting new patients and his name is Dr. George Groussis in Worcester!)
Deep down inside, I will be honest, I had a feeling that I knew what the results were going to be. After all, I have been having some tingling/numbness in my hand and some "fuzziness" in my eye. By now you've probably figured out that the results were not optimal. I do have new lesions that are active. What does that mean? Maybe the following text will help:
"Relapses are caused by the inflammation that occurs when your immune system attacks the myelin
surrounding nerves in your brain or spinal cord. Myelin is the
protective coating that covers nerves and helps them conduct signals.
When the myelin is attacked by immune cells, a “lesion” or an area of
inflammation and eventual damage (demyelination)
occurs, making the nerves less efficient in conducting signals. Your
symptoms depend on the location of this lesion. For instance,
inflammation in the cerebellum can cause loss of balance and
coordination, while inflammation of the optic nerves can cause decreased vision."
In Melissa terms, I have a numb hand and numb foot sometimes. Every now and again I see some annoying floaters in my left eye. It's annoying more than anything. It is not debilitating! There are so many MS patients that have it WAY worse than me. My Neurologist is dumbfounded and attributes my "success"
with the MS to my eating and exercise habits. He continues to tell me
(and I'm sure he will say it again on Friday) that I should not be
walking. My brain says: "I'll do you one better doc's...I'm running marathons (1/2 for now), triathlons and 150 mile bike rides! TAKE THAT!" :)
So what are my next steps? Well, some people think I'm nuts and ignorant, but I will not do a daily injection. I just won't. Right now it's honestly not even an option for a number of reasons. This is a decision both Matt and I have made. I WILL however be doing 5 days of 1 hour steroid infusions to "put water on the fire" so to speak. This should be happening soon and I think all of this will really hit me when I go back to that infusion center as I have not been there since I was first diagnosed in February 2009.
I am confident that my decision to not do meds is the right choice for my family and I. I also believe that God never gives you more than you can handle and this is going to bring not only me closer with my friends and family, but with God. I received the following from my sister-in-law today from a devotional and it really hit me: "Trust Me and don't be afraid, for I am your Strength and Song. Do not
let fear dissipate your energy. Instead, invest your energy in trusting
Me and singing My song. The battle for control of your mind is fierce,
and years of worry have made you vulnerable to the enemy. Therefore, you
need to be vigilant in guarding your thoughts. Do not despise this
weakness in yourself, since I am using it to draw you closer to Me. Your
constant need for Me creates an intimacy that is well worth all the
effort. You are not alone in this struggle for your mind. My spirit
within you is ever ready to help in this striving. Ask Him to control
your mind; He will bless you with Love and Peace. Isa 12:2 & Rom 8:6
I will continue to pray for you and I believe God is teaching you
something through this or revealing the person He created you to be. You
are strong in spirit & mind and Satan wants nothing more than to
destroy that. To destroy what makes you affective in doing Gods work."
I am beyond blessed to have the family, friends and coworkers that I have who are always there to support me and I them. (They may not always agree with my decisions, but they are always there.) It is times like this that make me REALLY appreciate my "roots"; the home that I was brought up in, the outstanding education I received at Whitinsville Christian School and the relationships I have made throughout the years.
Thank you for reading and please keep the prayers coming because they are giving my family and I strength!
I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Melissa
xoxo
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